Light is Right?

Pictured: Oscar nominated actress, Lupita Nyong'o

What is beauty? Who is defined as beautiful in society? We've all been there. That moment when you look in the mirror and question your beauty. I know I've been there. I remember growing up constantly questioning the way I looked. My main focal point of self criticism was my skin color. I thought I was too dark. Dark wasn't pretty to me. I used to hide from the sun longing to be lighter and look for soaps that would change my skin color. I used to envy my peers with lighter skin. They got all the compliments, they got all the attention, they seemed to excel in everything. 

I did not really have many role models of the darker skin tone to look up to. I had women in my family but as beautiful as they were to me, their influence did not count in my mind. I wanted to look to hollywood, celebrities and music videos. And all that was in my  peripheral view was light skinned, long haired, seemingly perfect women.  I wanted to emulate that image but being that bleaching my skin wouldn't provide the result I was looking for, I was stuck in my own skin. For years I dealt with insecurity and depression because I felt I wasn't physically up to par in the beauty department. It wasn't until after college that I began to embrace my looks and began to notice my beauty both inward and outward. 

Now as an adult I think back and wonder why was I so hung up over my looks? If everyone looked the same this world would be pretty bland. Now thankfully the perception of beauty is evolving. When I see women like Tika Sumpter & Lupita Nyong'o grace the big screen I inwardly smile wishing they were around in my younger years. 

Beauty isn't bottled nor is it confined to one specific definition. Beauty is in a smile. It's in laughter. It is in intelligence. It is in personality. It is in the heart. Beauty is... each and everyone one of you.  

Embrace it :-)

Are you a Ride or Die Chick?

I wasn't going to comment on this tragic situation but after a few days of mulling it over I have decided to speak on it. 

I was on Facebook a few days ago when one of my facebabes (that's how to I refer to all my facebook friends) posted a picture of a gorgeous woman. I thought to myself "so pretty!". After a millisecond I took notice of the photo pic stitched right beside this gorgeous woman. It was a picture of a brutally battered woman. "Absolutely horrid!" I thought to myself as the neocortex part of my brain put two and two together. Both pictures were of the same woman. This photo was posted by a young aspiring model who survived domestic abuse from her now ex-boyfriend. 

According to her post this sorry excuse for a man had jealously issues and was constantly accusing her of cheating until one night she was kicked out of a moving vehicle, beaten & dragged. As a result, she was left with scars that extend down to her chest, one of her shoulders completely skinned, some permanent scarring, a bruised rib cage, neck and muscle damage. As a way to speak out against domestic violence and convey her triumph, she posted the photo on Instagram telling her story.

I think about the countless women I personally know that have been in a domestically violent relationship or in any type of abusive relationship. I think about the endless excuses given to mask the dangerous situation that they are in. 

"He loves me" 

"He needs me" 

"If I just did this he wouldn't be that way" 

"I made a vow for better or for worse" 

"You don't know him like I do" 

"He's not always like this... He's different when it's just us" 

"I know I can make him better... I know I can make him change"...

If any of this sounds like something you have said I plea with you to GET OUT of that relationship A.S.A.P. 

As women, most of us are "Ride or Die Chicks". When we love, we tend to love hard. Loyalty is one of our top priorities. We want to be there for him no matter what. We make promises and sacrifice all we can in order to make sure we are holding him down. And maybe if he sees how hard we love, he will love us back just same or maybe even more. But if you are not being loved the way you should be, if you are being abused in any way GET OUT. And the abuse doesn't even have to be physical. If he's hurting you emotionally, physically, verbally or spiritually GET OUT. This world is huge! He is NOT the only man in the world that will want to be with you even if he's told you that before. There will be someone out there that will love you whole heartedly and never abuse you. But in order for him to find you, you have to be able to live another day. 

Fortunately this was that woman's first and LAST time being abused. In this sense I'll pass on being a ride or die chick.

Dream To Reality

  
Yesterday as I was doing a little spring cleaning I decided to catch up on some of the reality TV shows that I've missed (yes I watch as I call it, ratchet reality. It may be mindless but it's so intriguing to me). One of my favorites is Braxton Family Values. This episode was mostly about Tamar receiving her very first Soul Train Music Award for her first single, Love & War. Previous to her name being called, she explained that she sat there not expecting to win. She had a mindset that she already lost. Then they called her name. In total disbelief and filled with emotion Tamar slowly walked to the stage, accepted her award, and gave her speech. One thing she said stood out to me:

  "I never thought in my life that I would be here and the only reason is because I almost gave up on myself. I want to let you guys know, no matter what you want to be, no matter who you want to be, don’t give up on you. It is possible.

  I’m 36 years old and I’m proud of it. And I don’t give a damn if I was 56, she was not finna stop, point blank and the period!”

  There's two things that I learned from that situation. First, when you're at a point of discouragement or feel like you are defeated, know there's a bigger plan and a bigger picture that is awaiting you. You may not see it but it's there. Secondly I'm inspired by Tamar's diligence.

  I remember 13 years back when I first heard Tamar. Back then she sung Gospel or was being marketed as a Gospel artist with her single, Try Me. It was featured off the Kingdom Come soundtrack. I liked the song but that was the last I heard of her until she re-emerged on reality television with her sisters in 2011. I then thought she pretty much gave up on singing. She was already living a pretty posh life being married to successful record producer Vincent Herbert. I'm thinking, "Okay she has it all. What more could she want". Regardless of her apparent success, Tamar was determined to pursue her dreams of being a recording artist. Even her husband tried to discourage her at times but Tamar had her eyes fixed on her dream and she was going to continue with or without support. At 36, she's living the dream she was working towards all those years ago. That is such an inspiration.

  Think about your dream. What you want to be. The goals you have set for your life. How much time have you spent working towards making your dream a reality? Would you keep at it after 13 years have passed? Would you have the same energy towards acheiving your dreams in your 30's as you did in your 20's? Sometimes success isn't immediate. If you are truly passionate about something, giving up shouldn't be an option. For those of you reading, thinking about throwing in the towel, this is your wake up call, your push, your sign to keep going. Make your dreams a reality. Be patient, stay motivated, work towards it. Your dream is just a reality away.

This is for the Side Chicks

  Side chick? The other woman? The mistress? The friend with benefits? I think about these titles that slowly but surely have been acceptable in general society. I remember during my teen years the "side chick" used to operate incognito. Like a stealth ninja. No one knew her. Who she was, where she lived, what she did, who her friends were, nothing. And if ever confronted with any questions that might connect her to her lover even the slightest, she would deny deny deny. No form of interrogation would get her to speak no matter how intensely the subject is pressed.

  That was then. Today it seems as if the side chick glorifies herself. She's proud to be the "other woman", stating she has the perks of a wife, without the responsibility. She states she gets the attention, the physical interaction, the shopping sprees and gets to be his eye candy. But are all these "benefits" worth it?

  When I think about it, being that woman has no appeal. Because in the end the "side chick" will be set aside, pushed to the side and left aside. His main woman, if she is a good woman will always be that.

  The main woman has the title and the real benefits. She receives more than physical interaction. She connects to him emotionally and spiritually as well. She doesn't need a shopping spree because she has full access to the bank account. She is not his eye candy. She is his prize. Someone that he cherishes and proudly has her on his arms in public.

  To the side chick: I'm not here to judge. I am just here to extend love and words of wisdom. You need to recognize who you are. You are too valuable to be used for convenience. Too important to be in second place. You deserve full, 100%, undivided attention. You are beautiful and deserve the very best. Do not settle for temporary satisfaction and material possessions that will indeed fade away.

  Food For Thought

Ok... What's wrong now?

Have you ever had one of those friends that is always having a bad day? Always complaining about work? Always in drama with something? (Now when you think of this person hopefully the person you're thinking of isn't me lol).

 I consider myself a pretty good friend (most times). And when a friend of mine is going through an issue I try to be there as best as I can. But after a while of hearing complaint after complaint from the same person without one praise report or testimony of some type of deliverance, I will get tired.

 We all have issues, problems, drama, stress, conflict, etc. I get that. But I also believe the storm isn't ongoing. We have so much to be grateful for. And whatever issue we endure, recognize there is always someone out there going through 10 times worse, who is no better than you. 

Regardless of my stress I will maintain a smile on my face and faith in my heart knowing that in the end all things work for my good... Even the bad things.

Food for thought

Breaking The Silence

I was upset. Writing is my outlet. My previous post was not to get revenge on anyone but to shed light on what happened to me. Apparently I shook some ground and was even asked by a leader in the church to take the blog post down. Now if I am speaking the truth why should I?

This situation has brought an ongoing issue to my attention. Bullying. People are bullied everyday. Whether it is physical, verbal or emotional, bullying is an issue that so many deal with on a daily basis. Statistics show that an estimated that 160,000 children miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students. (Source: National Education Association). Over fifty percent (50%) of the adult population has reportedly experienced some form of violence at work, at home and in the community. In my opinion, the first step to ending bullying is actually speaking out and speaking against it.

My situation is far less severe than what others are going through. My kindness unfortunately was taken for a weakness and because I am out here alone, I was being taken advantage of. I spoke out so that maybe it wouldnt re-occur with someone else in the church.

If you are being intimidated by, threatened or bullied by anyone no matter what position of power or leadership they may be in, don't be afraid to report it and speak up. It's silence that will have the cycle continue. Break the silence.

I'm a Whore?

"That's why you're a whore. That's why your ex doesn't want you. That's why you're alone." 

Words spoken to me by the first lady of my church in Knoxville, TN. Yes ladies and gentleman the pastor's wife who up until yesterday was a role model and mentor to me, spewed those words from her "sanctified" mouth. Her and her husband had a few counselling sessions with me. I can recall them saying "you can trust us", "What's said in our sessions stay here", "We are not here to judge, we are here for you" (Insert Halo Here). I guess those words of reassurance went out the window once she was faced with conflict. 

It all started with a dress (This is such a long story but I'll try to make it short and sweet). As some of you know I sell dresses. She needed a dress for the church's yearly valentines day dinner. Being that she was such a help to me through difficult times, I did not want to charge her the retail price for the gown. I didnt want to make any profit off of her whatsoever. So she paid the wholesale price. A whopping $60.00 (Sixty dollars... side eye). I asked her for her size and she confidently told me Size 8. Before I ordered the dress, I asked her two more times just to make sure I was ordering the right size. 

So the dress comes in. I deliver the package to her and stay to help her try it on. As it turns out the dress does not fit. Wholesalers do not accept returns but I really wanted her to have a nice dress for the dinner so the next order I paid for out of my pocket. 

While waiting for the order, I received multiple texts daily regarding the status of shipment. I knew she just wanted to receive her dress on time so I provided her the tracking number to ensure that it was on it's way. She stated that she is the customer and giving her updates was MY job. I was confused slightly because I didn't view her as a customer. I viewed her as a friend that I wanted to do a nice favor for. But I brushed off the seemingly rude remark. So the dress comes in. Not even opening the box I hand it to her husband, relieved that it came just in time. But this time the wholesaler sends me the wrong size. It's a size 14, now too big. By this point "my mentor" is upset and wants a refund. I suggested that she may be able to take the dress to a tailor for a quick close. As stunning as that dress was it would be a shame not to wear it. She declines my suggestion and states she wants a refund.

Because she told me the wrong size, and I had to pay out of pocket for the second dress, as it turns out I wouldnt have been able to give her a refund. When I relayed this information to her she immediately became abrupt, rude and even threatened me. Stating if I don't refund her money then I can find a new church to go to. Since when could a member be kicked out of his/her church for a misunderstanding unrelated to the church? She also threatened me stating that if I didnt show up with her money then I will see what would happen to me. I took it all as empty threats. I assumed she was just angry and needed to cool off. I figured we could discuss the issue and come to a compromise. I thought wrong. 

On Sunday (which was yesterday) As I excused myself to go to the bathroom, she cornered me demanding her money. And when I repeated my suggestion for resolution she became hostile. Using her hands to physically block my path to the restroom. I became upset repeatedly telling her not to touch me, and asking her how could a woman of her position, a woman of God, The First Lady of the church act in such a manner. She replied with "that's why you're a whore. That's why your ex doesnt want you. That's why you're alone." Her manner was beyond believable to me. This was the same woman lifting her hands and praising God moments ago. 


As angry as I became all I feel is bad for her and pray for her soul. She is a woman that is one of the Church's spiritual leaders. She teaches workshops and bible studies in the church. She even taught a class for young girls to teach them how to embody the Proverbs 31 woman WITH ME as her co-teacher. I could have called her out of her name. I could have tried to hurt her the way she did me. But I realize I'm better than that. And I'm absolutely not who she says I am. She's just another person with an opinion. It's just sad that she is put in a spiritual leadership position when she in my opinion is not in the right state of mind. As expected I'm moving forward. I have my whole life ahead and so many opportunities just waiting for me while in her 50's, she holds on to what little youth she has left (Did I throw some shade just now? Maybe a little :-p). And my life continues fabulously ;-)