The Friendship Evolution: Defining What Genuine Friendship Is As You Grow

A few of my friends (Some are missing up there but eh couldn't fit everybody LOL). Y'all ROCK! xoxo

I value friendship. Not just any friendship. Genuine friendship. I am like a broken record when it comes to this core value. If you follow me on Facebook, it's my disclaimer whenever I am posting a photo with someone I call friend. As I am growing, I am starting to realize and recognize during my life journey, not everyone who I meet on my path are here for the long haul. The dynamic has definitely changed over the years especially during the transition from my 20s to 30s.

In my 20s my circle was slightly larger. I was open to meeting new faces and giving "new" friends a try. We had to have something in common. Whether it's work, school or similar social circles. I found myself sharing my time, my personal life and even a few of my tears with people who seemed to be potential lifelong friends. It was not until my surroundings changed that I started to see less and less of those now not so new faces.

Many of these friends I met through former relationships. When in a relationship, of course, everyone wants to get to know the new special someone. With introduction, opened a whirlwind of get-together's, dinners, road trips, heart-to-hearts, reassuring dialogue, comforting hugs, text messages, phone calls, check-ins, photo ops, social media tags, wall posts, favors, laughs, cliques, tea and all sorts of bonding with my new group of friends. It was great! For years mind you. And then when the relationship ends and I make my exit, I was left with concerning texts and calls from a few (most likely just wanting all the juicy details of what happened), a few hellos here and there, and then a complete halt.

Some became enemies (not by my choice), others turned into strangers and acquaintances. Only a limited few remained genuine and kept building a friendship with me. I found it fascinating actually. It made me reevaluate the term friend. My thought and description of a friend evolved. It also helped me take a look at myself and put myself in check to assure I do not become a "friend of circumstance" to those I've formed bonds with. So with this experience (which I am grateful for), I am able to share with you what you should look for in a friendship.

A friend is unconditionally there for you without biases or hidden agendas. 

Someone you can rely on. They do not have to speak to you everyday or frequent for that matter, but if you do need them for anything, if it is within their means, they will be there. And even if they cannot be there for you in that moment, they offer whatever resource they can to assist you even if it's just lending their ear.

A friend is with you through all the motions.

Filled with joy for your moments of triumph, will mourn with you in moments of defeat, and will stand with you and be that rock while you pick up the pieces.

A friend not only cares about you.

They care about your surroundings and who you allow into your life.

A friend has your best interest at heart.

They will be honest with you even if the truth is not what you want to hear in that moment.

A friend will pour into your spirit.

They will pray for you and encourage you during your walk with God.

And you will be all that to your friend as well.

As you grow and mature, it is less about who is going with you to get your nails done, go out for drinks with, who is down to be your backup in a confrontation or who is there to listen to all your tea. It is more so about who will remain when the seasons of your life change.

I am so grateful to have a handful of people that I can call genuine. For those who faded from my journey, I hold no anger or malice towards them. I am also grateful to have had that learning experience. They have surely helped me in my growth as well and my smile is still genuine in passing if I happen to see them.

What is your definitions of a friend? How is your friendship dynamic changed over the years? And what have you learned from it?

Pregnant At 50: The Biological Clock Extended

So it's official, Janet Jackson is pregnant with her first child. Two weeks ago the superstar songstress announced to her fans that she had to cut her world tour short because she was planning a family with her husband. I immediately assumed adoption or surrogacy but low and behold just a few weeks shy of her 50th birthday, Ms. Jackson is pregnant.

This news has automatically sparked  discussion regarding how risky is it for a woman reaching the golden season life to have a child. Due to the singer's age, doctors say there are major risks and complications that could pose themselves during the pregnancy especially during the first trimester. Interestingly enough, doctors say at her age she had a 1% chance of conceiving.

Though the odds are thought to be against them, in today's times, women are starting families much later in age as compared to even a decade ago. According to the CDC, the number of women who are getting pregnant over the age of 50 has increased 165% in the last 15 years. Doctors say as more fertility treatments become available and technology improves, women have more of a choice to delay bringing life into this world.

Usually after 30, women who haven't had a child start to become worrisome that their time will soon run out which leaves them in a hurry to find "Mr. Right" to get busy right away. These new findings bring slight pressure off the woman worried about her biological clock. She can put focus back on herself and reaching her life goals instead of putting babies in the forefront.

Being in that age bracket myself, I surely can relate and breathe a little easier for this time extension. I personally have so much that I want to do and accomplish that a "mini me" is the last thing on my list currently. 35-40 is more realistic and desired at this point.

So kudos to Ms. Jackson and all the other women over 40 pushing the clock out of their way. Not saying having these blessings earlier in life is unwelcome either. Whether you are in your 20s or ready to celebrate your 50th, it's more so about when you are ready instead of being pressured by that nagging clock.

How do you feel about women starting families later in life?

Growing Pains: How To Move Forward From Loss

We are almost halfway into the year. "Time flies" is more than just a saying. It seems as if this life moves rather swiftly. We are born, and in the blink of an eye, we can be off onto the next journey beyond this current reality. As humans, our time on this earth has been short relative to how long this planet is estimated to have existed.

As we come and go, one thing we haven't quite gotten the hang of is loss. Particularly loss of life. It has been occurring since the beginning of time but yet it hits hard every instance we lose someone. Death is an end that is coming for everyone but yet is something that we are never prepared to accept.

I am not here to show you how to accept death because that is something I have far from mastered, but I can share how I move forward when I endure a loss.

No matter how many times it happens, sheer concentrated emotion envelopes our being each time someone who was once in our world leaves us (Now when I say "world" I don't mean in the literal sense. Everyone has their own world that they are living in. But I will elaborate more on that in a future post). We are in disbelief, shock, we say words like, "gone too soon", "I can't believe it", "this hurts so much". We cry for days, weeks, months even. That person not being there makes us feel as if they took a piece of us with them. To be blunt, it sucks. How do we keep going when that person does not have that opportunity? Over time, after the tears and pain, I have found a few techniques to move forward from loss.

Talk About It

I think the biggest mistake I make when I am upset or hurting is keeping those emotions bottled inside. Find someone to confide in. Talking about your pain and how you feel kick starts the process towards healing.

Prayer

When I find no one else understands, I know God who created everything will most definitely understand my hurt. Though I can't hear a voice speaking back to me, I feel a sense of peace after I pour my soul and place it at the feet of God. I metaphorically drop it all there and walk way with the faith that life will get better. Faith plays a big role towards positive outcome.

Write 

Writing is my number 1 outlet (hence this blog). I have been writing in a journal since the age of 9. There are so many benefits to journal writing. You are able to release everything onto those pages. Things that may be hard to say aloud. Journal writing can also bring clarity. After you write everything out, after a few days go back and reread what you wrote and compare how you felt then to how you feel now. You may be able to answer possible questions you posed or understand yourself better in doing so.

Celebrate Their Life

Celebrate the life of your loved one through your life. Talk about everything you loved about that person, reflect on what he or she instilled in you, start a project or foundation in that person's name. These are a few ideas that will keep their memory alive long after they're gone.

Continue LIVING

As hard as it can be, no matter how you are feeling at the time, life will still continue regardless and the world will keep spinning. Cherish your journey on this earth and make the very best out of it. Do what makes you happy as long as you are not hurting others, your body, or your spirit in the process. I say that because temporary "feel goods" like drugs, alcohol to the point of drunkenness, etc, are never a way to cope or help you move forward in a positive way. Reach for success, form healthy friendships, bond with your family, cultivate your dreams, help others, make your mark on the planet. Let your time here be a beautifully productive one.


I hope these techniques are helpful. Know that in your pain there will be healing to follow so instead of allowing yourself to drown in your sorrow, push yourself to take the steps to move forward.

If no one has said it to you today, I love you as a human being, you will be okay, your life will blossom beautifully, yes from time to time you will endure pain, but if you are willing to press on, you will overcome it as well.