Do You Play Build-A-Man?

Dear Rising Roses, have you ever played "Build-A-Man"?

In the dating game as a woman, I have observed one common mistake among many of my fellow sisters. We meet a man that we may be interested in, make the decision to date after getting to know him for a short period, immediately recognize what we like about him, and make it our mission to change what we don't like about him. This "I'm a fix him" mentality has to come to an end.

In the "fix it" relationship we start to invest. Give all of ourselves and sacrifice with the hopes that this man will become the prince charming we have been looking for with a little... or a lot of our help. We groom, invest, pay off his debts, and show him how great of a wife we are though ring-less (side eye). And sometimes all that hard work we put in starts to pay off. You see he's changing, improving, excelling... everything is seemingly great... Until it's not. Until he tells you you're not the one. Then a few months to a year later he's married off to another woman, being the great man that YOU built him to be... but for someone else. I know some of you can tell me some stories of this exact situation you or one of your girlfriends went through.

This coming new year I challenge you all to stop playing "Build-A-Man". Instead of focusing on how you can improve a potential mate, set your sights on what you can do to improve yourself. Think about it... You spend all this time completing him to your standard and when he has reached that standard and looks to you, are you even meeting the same criteria? Then you become surprised when he looks to his left and sees a woman who is complete all on her own. Your focus should be working towards being the best version of you that you can be. Your potential mate doesn't need you to complete him or vice versa. We should be complete without the need of a man's companionship and our mate should be a compliment to our completion.

I'm NOT saying you should be selfish in your relationship. Just do not consistently do for someone that they can clearly do for themselves. It will cripple you both in the long run. Instead, be each other's motivation and encouragement. Be that push for each other to get things done. Set goals and check in with each other towards the completion of those goals. Challenge each other towards progression individually and as a couple. Doing it this way you will be more so grateful for the growth instead of bitter in the case things do not work out.

And if you're in a situation where you are already in the middle of the Build-A-Man game, it's never too late to hit the "game over" button and start the Build-Each-Other version.


Love & Light Rising Roses

Divorce Parties: What's That About?

So I watched a clip of The Real Housewives of Atlanta on my timeline in where Kenya decides to throw Phaedra and Cynthia a party. It wasn't for a birthday, new baby, career promotion or anything that you would think is typically celebration worthy. This party was a Divorce party. Both of these ladies were going through a divorce with their husbands.

Now I have heard of a divorce party before. There are actually those who have elaborate divorce celebrations decorated with broken chains, broken hearts and cake toppers with the head cut off. But this is one celebration I have never understood. Divorce is an unfortunate occurrence in our society. It's when two people who publicly made the decision to become a unit, decide to permanantly separate for reasons of pain, hurt and betrayal usually.

I believe those who have a divorce party use this event as a way to publicly announce liberation from an unpleasant life with their former. An exhale of sorts. Preparing for life as a single person. Even still, the party will not change the process. It is just a temporary cover for their pain. The process of healing and moving forward in a new routine will still take time. There will still be moments of hurt even after the streamers hit the floor and the last slice of cake is served.

This legal action should not be something to celebrate no matter who was at fault, who hurt who or even if it was a mutually cordial decision. Those who experience divorce should instead reflect on how they can grow from it. How they can become better and improve in all aspects. How they can learn from their mistakes and make their next marriage (if they choose to marry again) a solid one.

Would you ever have a divorce party? If so why? Or for those who have had divorce parties, did it truly benefit you? Let me hear your thoughts!

Why Wearing A Head Wrap Is Appropriate In ALL Settings

Photo cred: QREV Production

A couple weeks ago I met up with a few close friends for dinner. While enjoying our meal and catching up, one of my friends stated, "I could never go to work in a head wrap." Then my other friend nodded in agreement. I paused in reflection for a moment trying to understand why they feel they can't wear one to work and I can. I work in the corporate world just like they do so what is the difference between them and me? Then it clicked. They FEEL they can't. They THINK it will be viewed as unprofessional. I thought maybe if the significance of this fashion statement were explained, those who have reservations about wearing it in the professional sense would be more confident in doing so.

The head wrap has been apart of African culture for centuries. Over the years it has symbolized spirituality, modesty, prosperity, wealth and social status in African society. In the United States during the era of slavery, though slave masters imposed it on their female slaves as a badge of enslavement, slaves regarded head wraps as a symbol of their true homeland, Africa. A reminder that they do not belong in the land of their captors. It is also functioned as a uniform of rebellion signifying their fight to never forget where they have come from.

Being integrated in society, it is important that we never lose sight of our history. Over time through different psychological strategies, we are being conditioned to simply forget about the plight of our ancestors. They want us to blend in, accept the cards life has dealt us through their hand, and be a good non-threatening black person. Any inkling of black pride or culture association may make them uncomfortable. And because these truths are so deeply rooted, we sometimes say things like, "I could never go to work in a head wrap", though it is apart of our identity.

I take pride in wearing my head wrap and it is a look that is appropriate for any setting. Just because other cultures may not understand the look or the majority in the corporate world are not wearing them, does not mean we have to hide who we are to ease the comfort of our colleagues. Own who you are and where you came from. Acknowledge your history and it's beauty. If we do not make effort to keep some of our culture's traditions alive, our future generations will not have a clear understanding of their identity. So go ahead and wear that wrap!

Food for thought

French Braid? Dutch Braid? No It's Actually an African Braid

Photo Cred: QREV Production
Earrings: Kadokele

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." A bible reference my mother has reminded me of many times growing up. And so far this saying has been proven true time and time again. From fashion trends to hairdo's, society finds new ways to reinvent what's already been done and call it something different to intrigue the masses.

Recently I've noticed, braids have become popular. Not by the Africans that have worn them forever, but more so by the Caucasian population, particularly, white women have fallen in love with the braid. What's interesting is it's celebrities of European decent that have brought attention to the not so new trend. I read a a statement from a white hairstylist stating "The French Braid is all the Rage". I thought to myself, "French braid? Why do they even call it that?" The title of the French, Dutch or any Euro heading for the three strand hairstyle is perplexing to me considering there is nothing European about it at all.

Braids emerged quite some time ago in the northern part of Africa. The earliest evidence of the style is found in the Tassili n'Ajjer mountain range in Algeria. There, rock art depicting women wearing rowed braids dates back almost 6000 years, For those of you who need a visual of exactly where that is:

The reality is braids were made popular by black people. I remember as a child being bombarded with questions from the inquisitive minds of my white classmates as to why my hair was quote, "twisted up like that all the time" because the intricate styling of braids were foreign to their lifestyle during that period. So even at that age, I recognized that braids were a thing of afro-culture. With that being pretty obvious, why is any style of braid given a title anything other than African? 

My take, many things of African culture have been stolen or downplayed to take the light off of the fact that we have contributed a majority of innovations to this world as far as we can document. Concepts, principles, inventions, religion, fashion, style etc have been brought to fruition and pioneered by Africans. Due to a world where we were once of as thought of less than human, any positive contribution that we made was hidden. To title something as French, Dutch, or Euro was easier to accept by white society. 

I know some of you may say the name is not a big deal but the smallest change in our history alters the perception for future generations. It is crucial for our black boys and girls to be fully educated on who they are and the importance of their people's existence and contribution in every aspect.  

Now I have no issue with white people wearing braids. Beautiful things are meant to share. Just make sure next time you hear someone say, "I love your French braid", smile and politely say "Thank you it's actually an African braid. French braids don't exist." A small mental seed can go a long way.

Friends With His Ex?

I met her through him... And she's pretty awesome
Photo Cred: QREV Production

Is the ex meant to be an automatic enemy? It sure seems that way when a relationship ends with one person and then begins with another. I see it all the time. Boy meets girl, a relationship forms, girl starts to learn of boy's past girlfriends, girl then marks each one on her hit list.

I am not exempt from this either. I have given side-eyes several times to different women during the course of my life. Not because they have posed a threat, but solely on the reason that there once was a bond. A bond that I now share exclusively and just the thought that this bond existed before me would fuel my fire.

As I mature, I make it a point to challenge myself in the norm that I feel shouldn't be normal. What I go through in a relationship or what she went through shouldn't be the cause of complete strangers holding anger towards one another. With that, I try to have the innocent until proven guilty mentality. I word it this way because there are cases where the ex does want your man still and may prove that she has had a hidden agenda all along. But what about the woman that really & truly wants nothing to do with your man in the romantic sense? Or the woman that has a child with your man but solely is interested in a platonic co-parenting relationship? Is it a possibility to be cordial with one another? Dare I say, friends even?

From personal experience I do think it's quite possible. I've formed friendships with a couple women that once held a title with someone I was dating.  At first, it was slightly uncomfortable I must admit during the initial interaction, but I kept in mind that before anything, we are all human beings and we all have feelings. We shouldn't hold contempt for someone for an experience they endured. An experience that is part of their past, not present.

I've also been on the other end as the ex and became friends with the new girlfriend. Both experiences were pretty positive and I am friends with these ladies till this day long after our mutual beau faded into history.

Now I'm not telling you ladies to run off into the sunset with all his exes, but when you see her, be cordial, be respectful. And if she has ulterior motives and is able to take your man, he wasn't yours to begin with.

Being Healed From The Flames Of Church Folk

I never thought I'd seriously be part of another congregation again. And this is coming from someone who has been part of the church and Christian faith since birth. I loved going. Being apart of a spiritual family, a community. But after a few horrible experiences from not only church members but church leaders, I shut down and backed away slowly.

Now my plan was never to walk away from God, but I was unknowingly doing so by partially feeding my spirit. I say partially because yes I read The Word on my own, downloaded daily devotional apps (My favorite is Saved In The City), registered with an online faith based study course that had an assessment at the end of every lesson, attended bible study here and there at my family's church... Your girl thought she was all set! But I was still sinking. I felt as if I was drained.

My main issue was trusting people again. I thought, how can I sing, share, participate in ministries with people that may potentially hurt me in the end? I used to be so active in the church. Choir was my favorite. I could sing to the Lord all day long. Dancing was my 2nd spiritual outlet. I wouldn't let anything deter me from going to service. Come rain or shine, whether I had a car, had to take the bus, or walk sometimes, I was there. How did I fall so far? How did I allow the mistakes of man, the mistakes that I made myself, hold me back from being apart of the body of Christ? That is what a church is, and we are all pieces of that body. And each piece is essential to the body functioning properly.

In reflection, I've come to learn, the church is not full of perfect people. It is full of imperfect people seeking guidance from a perfect God. This means, even though most times we mean well, we can and will make mistakes. We may do horrible things to one another. And none of us is exempt from falling. But there is strength in numbers and as a member of a church you have people that can hold you accountable and that you are held accountable to. You have people that can stand with you, and remind you of God's promise when you are discouraged. You have people that can pray for you through the tough times. This is what I was missing in walking away from The Body.

I was hurt by someone in my former church (as some of you may know), and didn't go back for months. Then I moved away. Out of the state. I haven't been a devoted member of a church since I moved over two years ago, but I am taking that first step and beginning my journey to find a church home that can refill my spirit. 

If you are going through a similar situation, if you left your church because of hurt that someone else caused you, or you are embarrassed by a mistake that you have made, as long as the church doctrine is scripture based, I implore you to go back. As hard as it may be, as embarrassed as you may feel at the moment, as angry as you may be, go back. And if The Truth is not being taught where you were, as in, if the teachings are not bible based, start looking for and seeking God's direction to lead you where you need to be.

For those of you that have never been to a church, used to go to church as a kid but just stopped as you got older, or identify yourself as having no faith, what I am saying may be foreign to you. You may believe there is no God but yet from time to time you find yourself feeling lost or empty or feeling like something is missing. You've been depressed or sad before and are not quite sure why. You do right by others, are nice, and your definition of bonding is hanging with friends and getting "nice" together at the bar. Or maybe you feel like there is some higher power out there and are spiritual, but don't identify with a particular faith. If you fall into any of these categories, I challenge you to go to church just to see what it's like. It may just change your life.

I look forward to where God will lead me. I put it all in His hands and am excited to experience what will manifest from my faith during this continued journey of life. And I press forward.

The Friendship Evolution: Defining What Genuine Friendship Is As You Grow

A few of my friends (Some are missing up there but eh couldn't fit everybody LOL). Y'all ROCK! xoxo

I value friendship. Not just any friendship. Genuine friendship. I am like a broken record when it comes to this core value. If you follow me on Facebook, it's my disclaimer whenever I am posting a photo with someone I call friend. As I am growing, I am starting to realize and recognize during my life journey, not everyone who I meet on my path are here for the long haul. The dynamic has definitely changed over the years especially during the transition from my 20s to 30s.

In my 20s my circle was slightly larger. I was open to meeting new faces and giving "new" friends a try. We had to have something in common. Whether it's work, school or similar social circles. I found myself sharing my time, my personal life and even a few of my tears with people who seemed to be potential lifelong friends. It was not until my surroundings changed that I started to see less and less of those now not so new faces.

Many of these friends I met through former relationships. When in a relationship, of course, everyone wants to get to know the new special someone. With introduction, opened a whirlwind of get-together's, dinners, road trips, heart-to-hearts, reassuring dialogue, comforting hugs, text messages, phone calls, check-ins, photo ops, social media tags, wall posts, favors, laughs, cliques, tea and all sorts of bonding with my new group of friends. It was great! For years mind you. And then when the relationship ends and I make my exit, I was left with concerning texts and calls from a few (most likely just wanting all the juicy details of what happened), a few hellos here and there, and then a complete halt.

Some became enemies (not by my choice), others turned into strangers and acquaintances. Only a limited few remained genuine and kept building a friendship with me. I found it fascinating actually. It made me reevaluate the term friend. My thought and description of a friend evolved. It also helped me take a look at myself and put myself in check to assure I do not become a "friend of circumstance" to those I've formed bonds with. So with this experience (which I am grateful for), I am able to share with you what you should look for in a friendship.

A friend is unconditionally there for you without biases or hidden agendas. 

Someone you can rely on. They do not have to speak to you everyday or frequent for that matter, but if you do need them for anything, if it is within their means, they will be there. And even if they cannot be there for you in that moment, they offer whatever resource they can to assist you even if it's just lending their ear.

A friend is with you through all the motions.

Filled with joy for your moments of triumph, will mourn with you in moments of defeat, and will stand with you and be that rock while you pick up the pieces.

A friend not only cares about you.

They care about your surroundings and who you allow into your life.

A friend has your best interest at heart.

They will be honest with you even if the truth is not what you want to hear in that moment.

A friend will pour into your spirit.

They will pray for you and encourage you during your walk with God.

And you will be all that to your friend as well.

As you grow and mature, it is less about who is going with you to get your nails done, go out for drinks with, who is down to be your backup in a confrontation or who is there to listen to all your tea. It is more so about who will remain when the seasons of your life change.

I am so grateful to have a handful of people that I can call genuine. For those who faded from my journey, I hold no anger or malice towards them. I am also grateful to have had that learning experience. They have surely helped me in my growth as well and my smile is still genuine in passing if I happen to see them.

What is your definitions of a friend? How is your friendship dynamic changed over the years? And what have you learned from it?

Genuine Vs. Jealousy Vs. Compassion: Being Happy For Your Friends

Photo Credit: QREV Production

Have you ever prayed for something in your life and in that same season your friend receives exactly what you have been longing for? It's happened to me. In one situation, I remember, I felt a sense of overwhelming joy, sadness anger, and excitement all at once. I was joyous for my friend, but was screaming "What about me!" on the inside. If this has happened to you, do not get down on yourself as it is human nature to sometimes get this way BUT as critical thinkers, when faced with negative emotion, we must question why we feel the way we do and counter how to evolve from it.

Recently I received great news from a friend and I screamed in joy when she called me to share. All smiles, grinning from ear to ear, I sung praises of encouragement and pressed on making plans to celebrate. As soon as the call ended, I sat in my car for a few moments as it sunk in that she received something I was praying for. In silence, I walked into the house, went straight to the bathroom, and shrieked with tears of anger. I calmed down, washed my face and sulked for the remainder of the day.

"Why not me" was the song I sang. "I've wanted this longer", I complained. And after these words were repeated in my mind for the millionth time, I stopped to question, why do I even feel this way? Should I feel a sense of guilt for raining on my friend's parade? Or should my friend have been a little more compassionate when sharing the news with me as she knew I wanted the same for myself?

I believe there is a balance between the two. As friends, we should celebrate and share our successes with each other. At the same time, we should be considerate in the manner in which we share our good news especially to our friends that may want the same for themselves. Now some of you may say, "Why should I tone down my happiness for the sake of my friend's feelings? I worked hard to get here. She should just be happy for me and keep grinding to get to where she needs to be". But take into consideration that your friend may have been working just as hard and may not have the same opportunities, connections or platform that you do. Not everyone with the same dream is afforded the same opportunities. Be tactful in how you share the advances in your life and also offer to be of assistance to your friend to help her get to where she needs to be since you have completed the path to get there.

Now for the friend who has received the other end of the stick, do not downplay the success of your friend because she has reached a height that you are still climbing towards. Be genuinely happy for her and offer encouragement. At the same instance, make time to sit down with your friend and be honest about how you feel. The worst thing you can do is smile in someone's face and complain behind their back. Because if word comes back to your friend that you've been upset because of her success, you will be perceived as not genuine and "fake".

How do you think friends should handle each other's success that they may want for themselves? Can you relate? What are techniques you have used in handling this type of situation. I want to hear from you.

When A Black Man Attends a KKK Cross Lighting...

Scrolling through my timeline I come across many things. Most entertaining, some insightful and informative, some funny, others just straight foolish. It's rare that I am unable to put my finger on how a post makes me feel. In fact I don't think it's ever happened, until now.

There was a recent video post by CNN that I stared at blankly even after the video was finished playing. I sat there for a few seconds then pressed replay. I then played it three more times. The video was a 15 second clip of a black male attending a KKK cross lighting. As he watches the fire burn on a cross he says "I respect the fact that you let me come out here and I also respect the fact that you let me leave".

This video is a promo for a new 8 part series on the CNN network titled, United Shades. It follows man in the promo, comedian W. Kamau Bell, as he explores communities across the country and uses comedy to start conversations about race and how our differences unite and divide us. In the premiere episode which aired on Sunday April 24th, Bell meets the supposed "new" Klu Klux Klan (side eye).

I have many emotions running through me as I reflect on the first episode of this new series. The most apparent is anger. The KKK no matter what it supposedly stands for now, stood for complete and utter hatred for the non-white race. This organization has brewed a concentration of evil and has left brutalized bodies, rape, murder, lynching, hanging, bombing, skinning, beheading and torture in it's wake. But yet the United States allows this group and what they have represented to freely practice? And now news leader CNN is promoting this culture of hate to the world to get us to try to understand them better?

And for a black man being open to understanding this representation as well?  The "new" KKK that according to this series believes Jews are a dirty race and interracial marriage is an abomination higher than murder (I can't make this up if I tried).

What is your take on this matter? Sound off. I would like to hear your opinion. Need more of a visual? Check out a 30 second snip-it below.